I don’t know how to explain it but I felt her life move on. It was beyond the loosening of her grip and the closing of her eyes. It was much more than the warmth of her touch turning cold. It was a spiritual sensation.
After many months of prayer and tears and conversations with God (many of those where me speaking loudly) she passed away. She was much more than a child to us and she was gone. Succumbing to a cancer that had moved faster than anyone could have anticipated. Conventional treatment did not help so experimental treatment and radiation was tried. Her pain was so unbearable that the strongest medication put her in a coma like state. I would hold her through her pain and carry her to and from the car to her appointments. With every move I can see her face grimace and my own pain rise, as I could not do anything.
Why did God not listen?
I stared through the window of the hospital as people around me cried and comforted each other. I was in a daze. I was so sure God would hear me. I was so confident that God would respond. When the nurse came in to mark the time of her passing I still believed for a Lazarus moment! He did it after four days surely he can do it after 4 minutes! I did not want any hugs or any words of consolation. No I did not think God needed another angel so He took her. I just felt God did not hear my cry. Maybe you know how I felt. Perhaps you also have felt like God turned His ear away from you.
Was it me?
I can’t say I was angry at God because I wasn’t. I was angry at myself. I understand that God is Sovereign and that God is Good. But I also know I am not sovereign and I am not good. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I did not pray right or maybe I was not good enough for God to respond to my prayer. He says in Psalms 34:15-16 “The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil; “ So maybe I was not righteous enough. Maybe I did not pray correctly. Maybe I did not have enough faith!! In Mark chapter 9 you find the father of a young boy in need of deliverance and the father asks Jesus “Have mercy on us if you can!” Jesus replied, “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” So I thought maybe I struggled in my faith. Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you have this guilt that you lacked faith.
The God of Peace.
I could feel it. My heart was getting cold. I was scared. Scared for my heart. Scared that I would grow angry and that my heart would turn to stone. I caught myself saying. I’m not going to love like that anymore. I will not let anyone in. I’m tired of being hurt. No one knows how I feel. Cause we do that. We make our pain so unique that no one can empathize with us. No one really knows what we feel.
Then it happened. I was sitting in my chair and a hand reached over my back shoulder and landed above my heart. It was one of the elders. They began to pray for my heart. At first I fought back the urge to get resist. I wanted so much to just leave and hold on to what I was feeling. I thought that I had a right to feel this way. Then without warning and in an almost uncontrollable fashion from the deepest parts of my pain came a cry that caused my limbs to shake. Tears flowed like a waterfall. What I did not know at the moment was that I was experiencing healing. The Spirit of the Lord was for lack of a better word “Flushing” me out. With every tear and cry that was exiting God was injecting peace and assurance.
If you are reading this and you feel the prompting of the Spirit of the Lord for healing of your brokenness all I can tell you is it’s the most satisfying step you can surrender too. In one swoop God reassured me that it was not about me. He gave me comfort that my prayers or my faith were not the issue. He prompted me to repent not because I offended him. Not because I was angry but because I love Him. It’s weird but the Love of God overwhelmingly calls us to repentance. It draws us to want to be right with Him.
I have finally experienced the peace that I cannot explain! I read it over and over in Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. There it was. In my mind I had every right to be angry, disappointed, disillusioned but the Peace of God took over. Glory to God!!!!
So here is what the Holy Spirit did next. You see He did not just heal me. He gave me work! You have to understand that we must take part in building on our healing. So the Holy Spirit did what He always does He brought me to His Word! 1 Timothy 4:8 "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come." We must take advantage of training moments! Here is what I learned from Nehemiah when everything he saw was broken!
1. He prayed and Cried- I was complaining more than praying
2. He waited- for two months he prayed before a response from God
3. He obeyed instructions- many times we make up stuff along the way instead of waiting for instructions.
4. He surveyed the rubble- it’s hard but we must look at our hurts and pains and know God is able to reach where your hand can’t.
5. Secure the foundation and the doors- before anything can be rebuilt we must ensure our basic foundations are stable. Our own hearts and minds must be healed before we can invite someone else into our lives. Remember hurt people; hurt people! If you don’t fix the doors then anyone and everyone has access to your heart!
I hope that this has helped someone! Where do I start? Start with this prayer; “Holy Spirit touch my pain!”